This picture is from Jalen's birthday 2 years ago. It seems like a lifetime. We was celebrating at the roller skating rink, he was so proud that your friends came and you stopped the world to help celebrate him. We went to his school on his actual birthday to have lunch with him, you bought him McDonald's. He was so proud to have his big brother there. Last year, we was still getting settled back into NY but we still blew out candles together. There were days that we just knew, we had to do together. I tried so hard to make this week about him. I even took him shopping for clothes that I thought you would approve of because I don't even remember knowing how to shop for him. You normally did that, so he could get the 'cool' clothes. As the day came closer, it hurt so very bad that Jalen and I would be celebrating it alone without you. I hate all of these firsts. The first Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years and now his birthday. When yours comes next month, I have no idea how I am going to handle it Teddy. I cry every single day. I can count on my hands how many days I haven't cried. I know it is final, I know you aren't coming home, I know the whole, you are with me in spirit, yada yada, but is still hurts so very bad. I have your voice on my phone that I listen to. I sleep with your sweater. I carry your pictures in both of my pockets, in my bag, around my neck and now tattoo'd on my arm. I keep my feelings to myself for fear of anyone telling me anymore to move on or think of the baby or Jalen as if that can ease my pain. You was my baby, you was taken from me and although I love God and know that He does not make mistakes, I still think of those boys still being able to call their parents and friends. I wonder do they really know the devastation that they have brought to me? Do their parents pray for me, can they even remotely feel my pain? I'm sure they are hurting with their babies in jail, but they are breathing, they can still talk to them. I try to understand what was on that boy's mind, what kind of hatred was in his heart to take out a knife and stab someone who never did anything to him. What hate like that can lie within someone??? I can't understand Teddy, please help me understand. Please help take this pain away for more than 5 minutes, because I'm sooooooo tired of being sad son. I love and miss you so very much, it consumes me, no matter what else I try to do, I am having such a hard time moving on. Please help me. I love you..........