Teddy.......... Your name is such a symbolism on my lips. I feel like I've said it a thousand times. Calling you, talking to you, talking about you, laughing with you..... I don't know how to use it in past tense. I don't know how to say my son isn't here anymore. I don't want to. I got through last Christmas. I got through because I was still numb. We didn't put up a tree. I got your brother a couple of gifts but if you came into the house, it looked like a regular day. It didn't reflect a holiday at all. Now this year, I am in so much pain, I am over compensating. He is still going through his own stuff, but so I don't take it out on him what I am feeling, I've gotten him EVERYTHING on his list and THEN some!!! Unless we hit the lottery, he will never have another Christmas like this ever again. Every time I felt down about you, I bought him something. Then I felt even worse because I wasn't able to buy you anything. I still got you a stocking. Don't ask me what I'm going to put into it. I may just leave it up all year with your name on it. I will need a Teddy room in a minute. Am I being compulsive? I don't know son, I think i'm just being a mother. I don't know any other way to be. My life is my kids. I love you......... I am still trying so hard Teddy. I think I've gotten better. I know that the holidays are making it harder again and then preparing for your murder trial to start next month really has my stomach in knots. Please continue to stay with me.....