That is such a negative word to me these days. It seems, the only way to 'cope' is to not think of you. Literally block you out of my mind, stay task oriented.... Work on Teddy's case (check), Take care of Jalen (check), Remember to eat (sometimes check), Convincing everyone i'm alright(check), Taking a breath......nope, can't do that, cause when I do that, then I......think. When I think, I'm shifted back into reality. Wait, Teddy is goneeeeeeee, My God, then the inside of my chest opens up again, the pain overtakes me and I'm once again realizing why I was trying to avoid breathing before. I've yet to exhale. My intellectual mind says, alright, you can do this Ena. You have overcome so many things, you are a strong woman, yada yada yada. But my heart is winning this battle. My heart tells my mind, you have no control here, I am going to overshadow you right now, I am broken and I am going to ache, and no matter what intellectual thoughts I have stored, just for these moments like this....... they all become distorted. I no longer 'feel' like being rational. I no longer want to feel. This hurts too much. I want to run outside and just run and run and run until someone tells me, where I can go to bring you home. It's like, alright, enough, we've dealt with this long enough, now it's time for you to stop playing and come on home. I get it now, you wanted me to see how much I loved you, and I promise I wont take you for granted anymore, please just come on home Teddy. I don't want to be here without you. We never prepared for this, you know I always love having a plan a,b and c. This was never apart of our plans, for me to be here without you son. You never told me to. You said you would always have my back, always be here for me, we would always have each other, me you and Jalen. I don't know what to do now...............