Teddddddy, today has GOT to be the hardest of alllll of the 3 holidays that I have gone through without you. I got through Thanksgiving and Christmas barely but today, since I opened my eyes this morning, I am hardly breathing through my tears. I'm getting mad and anxious as each hour passes. I cannot fathom going into a new year without you going with me. I look at everyone making their plans and excited about new beginnings, and I want to scream, " But my son is stuck in 2012, he cannot go with me.... I don't want to leave him there." I know eventually this will get better but today......... my GOD I am so devastated being here without you. I don't want to hear NOTHING positive about the new year, about anyone being happy, plans, new decisions, nothing!!! I have laid here and just cried for hours before I thought let me come on here and tell you how much I love you before the day is over. I'm praying and asking that you whisper is God's ear for me and ask him to send a special angel down today because right now, I can't see the forest for the trees and I am just STUCK in this place right now. I need you Teddy. I need to be with you today, we have always been together on New Years eve and I let you be away from me last year and I feel so horrible about that. I don't even know what else to say because I know you see me now and I'm sorry i'm not moving on like you would like for me to be. I'm sure you already knew, you wouldn't be able to seperate yourself from me that easily. I can see your spirit still inbetween because my grief is keeping you here to make sure i'm alright. As selfish as this sounds, I kind of like it better like that, you are closer to me in some way. My heart is so freaking heavy right now, I can't even do the laundry like I normally do this time of year, I can care less about going into the new year with dirty clothes. I don't care about any of our traditonal rituals because the one of us being together is broken, so the hell with the other ones. I just need you here with me and no one understands. No one can make me feel better. I just don't know what else to do............