People say that I have changed. Ones who love me, try to ‘rescue’ me out of my depression. If I had a dollar for every time someone told me, “Teddy would want you to be happy”, I would be able to pay all of my bills for a month. Well intentioned, ill advice. Did he tell you that he was disappointed in my grieving? Did he tell you that I was failing at living, being able to put one foot in front of the other? I didn’t think so. Because he tells me everyday, Mom, i’m proud of you. No one knows what all you really have going on and i’m here to continue to help you. So please stop giving me information that you haven’t gotten from the source….. MY SON. Let me fill you in on why i keep to myself so much. Intellectually, I understand that life goes on. But mentally and emotionally, my heart is stuck on September 20, 2012. Simple things like looking at my newsfeed on Facebook, looking at your children getting ready for college, celebrating their rite of passage of becoming legal and turning 21, hurts me to my core. That’s just looking with my eyes. When I talk to you whether in person or on the phone and I hear the excitement in your voice of how proud you are of your child’s graduation, getting into the school of their choice. Even your talking of how you’re trying to come up the tuition money, knowing you mean no harm to me personally, this conversation HURTS. You inviting me to your child’s events to celebrate their accomplishments and my continual no’s feeling bad because I don’t want you to think i’m not happy for you and your child, but this all……..HURTS. I will never do this with my Forever 19 year old son. I celebrated his would be 21st birthday with a cake on his Altar, next to his urn which held his ashes. i blew out the candles. I made the wish of love and strength and his continual growth in Heaven. While you’re buying new computers, cars, etc for your child. I’m sending love. When the Fall comes. Fresh start for most students as it will be for my 12 year old that I am very proud of but that I feel so ashamed in front of. I feel ashamed because he lost not only his brother, but he lost the Mother he knew on that day as well. My laughter is forced. My smiles are masks. My love for him is filled with fear for his safety. I lost a son to murder. How am I supposed to give my unconditional love to another child and not fear for his life everyday at the same time? So I’ll go sign him up to school on September 9th which thousands of other New York parents as I’m planning for his brothers 2 year memorial of his murder to take place 11 days later. Oh, let’s not forget my birthday, which is 5 days after that on the 25th, will never be the same. 2 years ago when I should of been celebrating turning 40, I was writing out the program for my son’s funeral to take place 4 days later. So you see, I have a few reasons, why I’ve changed. This Fall will also be another breaking point in my life. Finally….we’re going to trial. Through all of my hurt, I’ve had to fight for justice for the Teddy’s murder. I’m so grateful though because i’ve met so many mothers who haven’t received justice for their children. My heart goes out to you sincerely. So a date has been set. Not far off from that celebration of life that we have planned for Teddy’s 2nd year in Heaven. I have a few things on my plate to say the least. HA!!! I have the pleasure of looking at the 4 monsters who thought my son didn’t deserve the above opportunities in his life. I don’t care that only 1 used the knife that was shoved into his heart, the other 3 held him down so the main monster could do it. And yet they all aren’t charged with Murder. That’s a whole other story by itself. I get to spend time with them every day for a few weeks and their families and friends as opposed to the time already spent these last 21 months when we went to court the other 17 times. I get to hear ‘their’ side of the story. I get to see this great system at work which gives everyone the opportunity to be given defense even when the crime is apparent. Then I have to sit and wait for 12 people to hopefully not just feel my pain, but that the DA presents a compelling case to these people so that these monsters can be given half the sentence that i’m serving. Oh, you see i’m serving a sentence also. It’s a life sentence. No matter how much good behavior I give, good deeds I perform in my life, I will FOREVER grieve my son daily. People say, oh think of good memories with him. What do you think we do? It’s not like i’m able to think of the new memories that You are able to do. I’ve lost friends who think that i grieve ‘too much’ and are tired of hearing of my son’s murder. And yet they don’t think that it’s just as insulting that you insist of telling me about your child that is alive, new adventures. Then when I get quiet, that uncomfortable silence, I already know. I wont be hearing from you no time soon. Will it get better? I think that’s a relative term. It’ll get easier I think better said, to hide my sadness. But i’m not there yet. Don’t judge me but then again, I really don’t care if you do or not. I’ve learned to put on this armor, a repellent of sorts. Your opinion of me doesn’t move me anymore. I no longer try to make people feel comfortable due my sadness. I no longer try to explain to anyone that my Faith in God hasn’t changed. I still exalt HIM every single day. I know that God doesn’t make mistakes. But my sadness does not make me less than a Christian. You don’t know the conversations I’ve had with God. So we’ll leave that alone as well. As for the friends, who really just don’t know what to say. I understand. I hold no malice in my heart for anyone. Guess what? I don’t really know what to say to you either, so we’re in the same boat. So that’s why I don’t call you either. No need to dance on the phone when there is no music playing. So as these months come nearer, bringing forth many emotional days for me during my already Life Sentence. I just pray for ‘pardon’ I pray for Grace and Comfort. What doesn’t kill me can only make me stronger…. Ha again. It should read, the part of me that it hasn’t killed, is holding to the other part so that I don’t totally disappear in my despair. One moment a time is what I say to Moms in my online support group. We encourage each other while we all serve these sentences. I send love and strength to each and every one of them. I found a place where I truly belonged and am understood. That’s not easy to do anymore. So please stop looking for the Ena that you knew on September 18th, 2012 and earlier. She is no longer here. She is gone forever. No matter what happiness I attain in my future, it will NEVER be the same. I’m so sorry for your loss. I wish I could find that a friend and family member that you once knew. Please embrace the one that has replaced her. I’m still Teddy and Jalen’s mother. I still have 2 children. I still love and honor BOTH of my children. I want to talk about BOTH of mine just like you want to talk about all of yours. If you’re not able to do this, I understand. I’m not able to listen to your stories sometimes either. No harm. No foul. I’ll continue to serve my sentence until I close my eyes for the last time and my son and other family member greet me on the other side. Until then…… I wish you all God speed. Just another day for me. Thinking….Crying….Pretending a little more that i’m alright until I get to the comfort of my home and weep openly. This is my new normal. This…..is my Life Sentence. He is and will always be….. MY SON.