Hi Son.... Do you hear the song I chose to go with this post? It's one of the ones that we listen to every year this time, our ritual Jackson 5 Christmas songs as we put up the tree the day after Thanksgiving. No matter what, it was what you, Jalen and I did every year. I didn't do it this year, I didn't do anything for Thanksgiving. I wont be putting up a tree either. I wont be doing anything for a very long time. Today makes 3 months you have been gone. We had a moment of silence for you at 5:39. I have no idea how I am going to go on without you. I have never been this sad in my life, Teddy. I keep trying to make sense of this over and over and over and I can't for the life of me see why the only thing I have ever done was try to take care of my kids and live a decent life and not bother anybody, why one of the only people who ever loved me unconditionally would be taken from me. I'm not sure I even want to love like this again because I am so broken without you son. I don't see why they are able to live seemingly normal lives even being in Jail and you are sitting on a table here in our home never being able to talk to me and Jalen agaain. What did I ever do that was so bad to have to hurt like this? I don't want to know what life will be without you, I am running on fumes right now, like a robot. I do, just to do, eat just to eat, I don't hardly know one day from the next. Still trying to take care of business and Jalen and it seems like my head is staying in a fog. I don't want to move forward, I just want September 20th at 2pm back. I want you to walk back into my job again so I can tell you to please stay. Please don't go out there to your school. Please don't talk to that skanky girl A. Please don't walk by those 4 boys. Please don't fight with them.. Please don't get killed. I don't know what else to say because I know you can see me, feel my pain and my anger as I try still to get justice for you Teddy. You have to continue to help me, I can't do this by myself and I sure can't go on in this way because I am soooo angry right now and hurt and disappointed. All you wanted was to to be able to show your child that you would be here for them unlike your father was and here it is, another child growing up without a father. This is senseless to me and yet the world is going on about their merry business like everything is normal, let's do Christmas, party over here, it's cool, oh, and let's drink to Ted Black and then back to their regular scheduled program when I'm trying to remember to do my daily functions without you. I can't expect everybody to feel like I feel, you was MY son so it is what is is. I'm so sorry if I ever failed you in any way. I tried the best that I could to give you and Jalen everything that you needed and most times what you wanted even if it meant me going without for you. It's what a mother does for her children. I don't even know what else to say that I haven't already said. I love and miss you so much, and I wish every day, and second that you was still here with me. Trinity forever....Mommy, Teddy and Jalen